Mary Lambert: Bottom of the Barrel Trash

To tie in with my last entry about self-improvement, I’m going to cover the topic of people who are not only avoiding self-improvement, but those who are intentionally back-pedalling away from it.

Meet Mary Lambert:

marylambert

This woman from Seattle has been getting quite a bit of attention mainly from overweight women, and it’s easy to see why. She’s extremely outspoken about her “flaws” and doesn’t apologize for them. She’s a poster child for the “This is who I am, and if you don’t like it then fuck you” movement.

Here’s one of her songs:

If you don’t watch the video, I’ll forgive you. It’s not worth watching, and the comments mainly consist of women touting the “you go girl” mantra, and the occasional white knight cooing her supporters (whom he will never seduce.)

However, I AM going to analyze the lyrics…

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

Whenever any of this stuff comes up when I’m dating a woman, I take it as a red flag. Throw all of this into one woman, and she’s disqualified from getting my attention and/or affection.

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

She’s completely missed the point here. What you learn (or should be learning) when you’re young is to be the best person you can be. I’ve personally spent a great deal of time becoming a better person all around; better personality, more confident, more independent, more financially stable, more physically in shape, and have spent a great amount of time successfully achieving my goals. I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished over the years, and I think I have every right to be. Now, what kind of a woman should I get to compliment my life? A lazy fat chick who’s got a big mouth? Does that compliment my achievements? No.

There are times I’ve wondered if all my self-improvement has been worth it. I’ve put in the effort (and continue to do so) in becoming the best person I can be, but the women out there are busy becoming the worst they can be and are PROUD of their non-achievements. I’ve heard so many women ask “where are all the good men?” Here’s a news flash ladies: all the good men don’t want low quality women.

Let’s continue with the crappy song…

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew up

She’s now thrown in the subject of homosexuality. I firmly believe that there are two types of homosexuals: the kind who are born gay, and the kind who choose to be gay. I can’t help but wonder if she’s gay by choice. If anything, she has no choice. No good man in his right mind would want to mate with her, and she isn’t going to want some low-life beta loser, so she’s stuck with other women whom have also been abandoned by men. Women are good at inflicting emotional fluctuation upon each other, so why not date them? (Incidently, this is why there are so many “bisexual” women in existence.)

The one thing she forgot to mention in this song is the giant permanent bruise on her arm. Holy fuck is that thing ever ugly!

If Mary Lambert (or any of her supporters) read this page, the first thing out of their mouths are going to be “Haterz gonna hate.” This has nothing to do with hating a person, it has to do with the things they stand for. Anything that goes against natural gender roles, natural attraction mechanisms, and natural human reproduction is dangerous to us as a species. Taking away attraction and sexual reproduction will leave our species with dying numbers. Everything Mary Lambert stands for encourages human extinction. Is this the kind of role model today’s women need? One that endangers the death of humankind?

I can use a total of three words to summarize Mary Lambert:

FAT GAY BITCH.

How is this appealing to anybody? I’ll tell you one thing for certain, it is NOT appealing to men like myself. Here are three words describing what a man wants:

Thin, Feminine, kind-hearted

For any men reading, just think about those three words. Think of a pretty woman and attach those words to her. Those three words conjure up a lot of good imagery. Those three words stimulate the imagination of men. Those three words encourage men to participate in human reproduction.

WOMEN… Quit embracing the “I’m a piece of shit and proud of it” attitude. Fix yourself up into someone that’s worth loving; someone that’s worth cherishing; someone that worth keeping.

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The Helmet and the Jockstrap

testicularguard

This showed up in my Facebook feed today. Trust me, this isn’t going to be the first time I’ll be writing about a Facebook post that offends me. Yes, this offends me. Have things like this always offended me? Yes, but moreso as the years go by, and the more I realize that we’re living in a woman’s world built by men.

Before I dive into the actual “joke”, I decided to see if the statements presented here were true.

First, let’s talk about hockey. I personally don’t care for the sport, but I’m doing this for educational purposes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_hockey

The first indoor hockey game was played on March 3, 1875, in Montreal, and some characteristics of that game such as the length of the ice rink and the use of a puck have been retained to this day. Amateur ice hockey leagues began in the 1880s, and professional ice hockey originated around 1900.

So apparently, people were wearing testicular guards to play hockey before hockey was a real sport. That’s interesting. But wait, there’s more…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jockstrap

The word jockstrap has purportedly been in use at least since 1888, a likely contraction of ‘jockey strap’, as the garment was first designed for bicycle-riding messengers and deliverymen, or ‘bike jockeys’. The Bike Jockey Strap was the first jockstrap manufactured in America in 1874.

Okay, we have one somewhat correct fact, but not the correct context. People were using jockstraps while riding bicycles, NOT while playing hockey because, well, hockey didn’t yet exist as an official sport (although there were variants of it in previous decades)

Let’s move onto the next piece of information about the helmet…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hockey_helmet

The first player to regularly wear a helmet for protective purposes was George Owen, who played for the Boston Bruins in 1928–29.

According to wikipedia, helmets were slowly faded in until they were required in 1979. The 1974 date noted in the wall post is completely baseless.

Also according to wikipedia…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helmet

The oldest known use of helmets was by Assyrian soldiers in 900BC, who wore thick leather or bronze helmets to protect the head from blunt object and sword blows and arrow strikes in combat.

So there you have it. The helmet was invented long before the jockstrap. Men were protecting their heads first when they went off to fight in war. Eventually, the helmet was used in other wars to fight for people’s rights and freedoms – including those of women.

Today, men get laughed at because of a Facebook post that some idiot (likely a woman given the context of the post) made up.

Dear Miss Funnywoman, feel free to thank us for your freedom to post bullshit.